If they ever had an infomercial on penis enlargement, I bet this would make millions. Pretty cool experiment anyway…
(Source: noceilingsbeast)
It’s gonna be a long morning when you see your own coffee yawning back at you.
(Source: theawesomenessofme)
BREAKING NEWS: A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a Cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and asmall pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?” She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?” “Yes,” was his incredulous reply. She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it….”
Doc advised me to stop drinking caffeine. So this means, no coffee? This is what I look like when coffee is being made.
(via itsmyworld00)
“Things That Annoy Me” - all to which have happened to me in the course of just one week…
- Educated people with bad grammar
- New toilet paper that won’t start
- Bad table manners (chewing loudly or wiping mouth with hands/finger licking)
- Drinking out of my cup or taking a bite out of my sandwich
- Shaking a clammy, limp hand
- Jerks who won’t get out of the way in the grocery store, yet they know you’re waiting
- People who pull out in front of you just to go 5 mph
- Clipping your fingernails in an enclosed doctor’s office
- People putting their bare feet on coffee tables (especially mine)
- A wet bathroom doorknob
- Dogs who ram their nose right into your crotch
- When a therapist asks, “And how does this make you feel?”
- The people of AA
- Running out of vodka & olives
- When you’re a guest at someone’s house & their wine/tumbler glasses smell funny
- People who invite you to their home for dinner & then let their dogs lick all the plates clean
Good ol’ Shirley Phelps-Roper stating the facts. Gotta love her efforts. #ImNotAMonkey
Happy Sunday ~
Thoughts? …Ever take notice: every ex-gay, ex-abortionist, ex-drug addict, ex-smoker, EX ANYTHING, will ram you into the grill & curse you in the name of God for all the things they have done or that you ‘may’ now be dealing with? Is it hypocritical or “righteous” as they believe it is?
The world’s first gaming frog who doesn’t like to play the game. This totally made my morning. LOL!!!
(Source: youtube.com)
I know you’ve done this once or twice before…
CHECK YOUR SHAMPOO BOTTLE!!!!!!
Check your shampoo bottle label.
I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner.
It’s the shampoo I use in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and
(duh) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning:
FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY —-
No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using
Dawn Dish Soap instead.
Their label reads,
DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.
Problem Solved.
If I don’t answer the phone, I’ll be in the shower!
Very Important Warning!!
I couldn’t agree with you more. #BettyWhite
(Source: skelleteen)
That’s the last time I go into laundry mat.
(Source: youtube.com)
The lesbian version of heroin…
(via vampirekittyrawr)
